Denial

What is denial?

It is a psychological defense mechanism where a person rejects or denies the existence of any facts, knowledge or feelings that are too painful for them to accept.

When speaking about alcoholics and addicts, most people apply the term to the substance abusers state of mind, saying things like:

“He denies how much he drinks.”

“She must be lying to herself if she doesn’t realize that her drug use is affecting her children.”

Another way to look at it is that people in denial are really good at lying to themselves.

We are in denial too!

Those of us who love alcoholic addicts are usually in denial as well. I know I was. Some of the lies I told myself included:

“She mustn’t really drink that much because she never gets hangovers.” – This was when she was drinking a quart of whiskey a day.

“If I just try harder she will stop drinking and drugging and start loving me more.”

“I just need to learn how to control her drinking, then I can fix this.”

“It’s my fault she drinks so much.”

Denial is a useful tool. It allows us to hide from our fears. It also allows us to avoid doing the really hard work of dealing with our own problems. It lets us blame the alcoholic addict for all the problems in our lives. If I am unhappy, blame the alcoholic addict. If I am depressed, blame the alcoholic addict. If I can’t pay the bills, blame the alcoholic addict.

Here are some of the things that us co-alcoholics and co-addicts can convince ourselves is true:

• It is our fault that they drink or use drugs.
• It is their fault that I am unhappy.
• It is our fault that they abuse us.
• It is our fault that they get angry or depressed.
• I can control their drinking or drug use.
• I can control their behavior.
• I can protect them from the consequences of their actions.
• I don’t love them enough; that’s why the use drugs.
• I’m not strong enough to deal with this.
• They drink because of the children.
• I’m doing everything I can. I can’t do anything more.
• They use drugs because their life is so hard.
• I could help them get better if they would only listen to me.
• If I just wait long enough, the problem will go away.

It’s not true.

It is not your fault.

None of your alcoholic addict’s substance abuse is your fault. Unless you are shooting them up or pouring the alcohol down their throats, it is not your fault. And it is not your children’s fault. If any blame is to be laid, it is the alcoholic addict’s fault – however, laying blame is seldom productive.

You are not in control.

You cannot control your alcoholic addict’s behavior. No more than you make them drink or drug, you cannot make them stop. It is not in your control.

You cannot protect them from the consequences of their actions. You can try, and sometimes it might work, but in the long term it just makes things worse. (See: What is Enabling?)

If you didn’t love them, you wouldn’t be dealing with these issues. You would have left long ago. If you are still in the relationship, you love them enough.

The problems will not go away by themselves. If you are going to solve your problems, you are going to have to engage and deal with them. Not your alcoholic addict’s problems. Those belong to them. But your problems are yours to deal with.

There is much that you can do, but you have to decide that you are going to act. You have started by coming to this web site. But you will have to do more. In order to deal with your problems, you need to work through your fears and take control of your life. Not your alcoholic addict’s life; your life.

And until you do take control of the things in your life that you can control, you are still in denial.

Return from Denial to Useful Lessons

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