Humor & Quotes

Sometimes one needs a little humor as a break from the seriousness of their problems with their alcoholic or drug addict.

Here I’ve gathered alcohol and drug related quotes from a variety of sources. Some are funny, some are insightful and some are just sad. I hope you find some of them entertaining. You might even run into a few that your alcoholic or addict has quoted as an excuse.

If you find any errors or mis-attributions, please let me know so that I can correct them. If you have others to suggest, please send me a note.


A drinker has a hole under his nose that all his money runs into. – Thomas Fuller

A man hath no better thing under the sun, than to eat, and to drink, and to be merry. – Ecclesiastes 8:15

A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on. – Joe E. Lewis

A miracle drug is any drug that will do what the label says it will do. – Eric Hodgins

A productive drunk is the bane of moralists. – Author Unknown

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. – Ambrose Bierce

Addiction should never be treated as a crime. It has to be treated as a health problem. We do not send alcoholics to jail in this country. Over 500,000 people are in our jails who are nonviolent drug users. – Ralph Nader

Alcohol is a good preservative for everything but brains. – Mary Pettibone Poole

Alcohol is a very necessary article. It enables Parliament to do things at eleven at night that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning. – George Bernard Shaw

Alcohol is a very patient drug. It will wait for the alcoholic to pick it up one more time. – Mercedes McCambridge

Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed be the facts. – Finley Peter Dunne

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. – George Bernard Shaw

Alcohol removes inhibitions - like that scared little mouse who got drunk and shook his whiskers and shouted: "Now bring on that damn cat!” – Eleanor Early

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right. – Mitch Hedberg

All drugs of any interest to any moderately intelligent person in America are now illegal. – Thomas Szasz

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. – Ernest Hemingway

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. - Dylan Thomas

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. – Author Unknown

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. – Benjamin Franklin

Caffeine. The gateway drug. – Eddie Vedder

Children are often the silent victims of drug abuse. – Rick Larsen

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money. – Robin Williams

Did you know America ranks the lowest in education but the highest in drug use? It's nice to be number one, but we can fix that. All we need to do is start the war on education. If it's anywhere near as successful as our war on drugs, in no time we'll all be hooked on phonics. – Leighann Lord

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony – Robert Benchley

Drug prohibition has caused gang warfare and other violent crimes by raising the prices of drugs so much that vicious criminals enter the market to make astronomical profits, and addicts rob and steal to get money to pay the inflated prices for their drugs. – Michael Badnarik

Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system. – P.J. O'Rourke

Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness. – Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Drunkenness is temporary suicide. – Bertrand Russell

During 1998, nearly a quarter of Australian men and a tenth of Australian women drove while under the influence. – Australian Institute of Health and Welfare

Even though a number of people have tried, no one has ever found a way to drink for a living. – Jean Kerr

Every friend of freedom must be as revolted as I am by the prospect of turning the United States into an armed camp, by the vision of jails filled with casual drug users and of an army of enforcers empowered to invade the liberty of citizens on slight evidence. – Milton Friedman

Experimenting with drugs is like target practice where your head is the bull’s-eye. – Michael Josephson

For art to exist, for any sort of aesthetic activity or perception to exist, a certain physiological precondition is indispensable: intoxication. – Friedrich Nietzsche

From the point of view of the pharmaceutical industry, the AIDS problem has already been solved. After all, we already have a drug which can be sold at the incredible price of $8,000 an annual dose, and which has the added virtue of not diminishing the market by actually curing anyone. – Barbara Ehrenreich

Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. – Proverbs 31:6

Go thy way, eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with a merry heart; for God now accepted thy works. – Ecclesiastes 9:7

Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window except that the birds might eat them. – Martin H. Fischer

I always keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake - which I also keep handy. – W.C. Fields

I always wake up at the crack of ice. – Joe E. Lewis

I believe, if we take habitual drunkards as a class, their heads and their hearts will bear an advantageous comparison with those of any other class. There seems ever to have been a proneness in the brilliant and warm-blooded to fall into this vice. – Abraham Lincoln

I don't know. I never smoked Astroturf. – Tug McGraw, when asked if he preferred grass or artificial turf, 1974

I don't use drugs, my dreams are frightening enough. – Mauritis Cornelius Escher

I drink only to make my friends seem interesting. – Don Marquis

I drink therefore I am. – W.C. Fields

I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on. – Oscar Levant

I like whiskey. I always did, and that is why I never drink it. – Robert E. Lee

I mean, I don't think I'm alone when I look at the homeless person or the bum or the psychotic or the drunk or the drug addict or the criminal and see their baby pictures in my mind's eye. You don't think they were cute like every other baby? – Dustin Hoffman

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. – Author Unknown

I tried to drown my sorrows, but the bastards learned how to swim, and now I am overwhelmed by this decent and good feeling. – Frida Kahlo

I used to have a drug problem, now I make enough money. – David Lee Roth

I was carrying a beautiful alcoholic conflagration around with me. The thing fed on its own heat and flamed the fiercer. There was no time, in all my waking time, that I didn't want a drink. I began to anticipate the completion of my daily thousand words by taking a drink when only five hundred words were written. It was not long until I prefaced the beginning of the thousand words with a drink. – Jack London

I will lift mine eyes unto the pills. Almost everyone takes them, from the humble aspirin to the multi-colored, king-sized three deckers, which put you to sleep, wake you up, stimulate and soothe you all in one. It is an age of pills. – Malcolm Muggeridge

I'd hate to be a teetotaler. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day. – Dean Martin

If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever to get a 'fix' of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude that Netnews is far more addictive than cocaine. – Rob Stampfli

If drinking is interfering with your work, you're probably a heavy drinker. If work is interfering with your drinking, you're probably an alcoholic. – Author Unknown

If we can ... get them to understand that saying 'no' to drugs is rebelling against their parents and the generations of the past, we'd make it an enormous success. – John Van de Kamp

If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult. – P.J. O'Rourke

I'm in favor of it as long as it's multiple choice. – Kurt Rambis, on drug testing

I'm not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells. – Author Unknown

I'm not so think as you drunk I am. – John Squire

I'm tired of hearing sin called sickness and alcoholism a disease. It is the only disease I know of that we're spending hundreds of millions of dollars a year to spread. – Vance Havner

In the 1960s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal. – Author Unknown

It is easy to get a thousand prescriptions but hard to get one single remedy. – Chinese Proverb

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. – W. C. Fields

I've never had a problem with drugs. I've had problems with the police. – Keith Richards

Lady Astor: Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. Winston Churchill: Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.

Legalizing drugs would simultaneously reduce the amount of crime and raise the quality of law enforcement. Can you conceive of any other measure that would accomplish so much to promote law and order? – Milton Friedman

Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now. – Drew Carey

May what goes down not come back up again. – Traditional toast

Most people aren't appreciated enough, and the bravest things we do in our lives are usually known only to ourselves. No one throws ticker tape on the man who chose to be faithful to his wife, on the lawyer who didn't take the drug money... – Peggy Noonan

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. – Henny Youngman

My makeup wasn't smeared, I wasn't disheveled, I behaved politely, and I never finished off a bottle, so how could I be alcoholic? – Betty Ford

Old wine and friends improve with age. – Italian proverb

On average, drug prisoners spend more time in federal prison than rapists, who often get out on early release because of the overcrowding in prison caused by the Drug War. – Michael Badnarik

One of the things that's often forgotten about drug rehabilitation, it's not a destiny. It's a journey. – Peter Hobson

People always want to ask me about my drug problem - I never had a drug problem; I had a self-esteem problem! – Gloria Gaynor

People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic. – Ron White

Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs. – Lily Tomlin

Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol. – N.F. Simpson

Seeing is believing to most families who have lived with a drinker. – William Griffith Wilson

The best mind-altering drug is truth – Lily Tomlin

The first thing in the human personality that dissolves in alcohol is dignity. – Author Unknown

The intermediate stage between socialism and capitalism is alcoholism. – Norman Brenner

The other day they asked me about mandatory drug testing. I said I believed in drug testing a long time ago. All through the sixties I tested everything. – Bill Lee

There is a devil in every berry of the grape. – The Koran

There is this to be said in favor of drinking, that it takes the drunkard first out of society, then out of the world. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

There's sometimes a weird benefit to having an alcoholic, violent father. He really motivated me in that I never wanted to be anything like him. – Dean Koontz

They speak of my drinking, but never think of my thirst. – Scottish Proverb

Viagra is a drug, just like cocaine. It can cause you to become addicted. – Jackie Collins

When a woman drinks it's as if an animal were drinking, or a child. Alcoholism is scandalous in a woman, and a female alcoholic is rare, a serious matter. It's a slur on the divine in our nature. – Marguerite Duras

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. – Henny Youngman

When the wine goes in, strange things come out. – Johann Christoph Friedrich von Schiller

Why is it drug addicts and computer aficionados are both called users? – Clifford Stoll

Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind. – Rudyard Kipling

Zen martini: A martini with no vermouth at all. And no gin, either. – P.J. O'Rourke

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