Alcoholic Family Story from Amy

He is a very sweet and loving person. I know that he cares for me. When he is sober he treats me like a princess. He is not a mean or abusive drunk either. He doesn't drink hard liquor just beer. Needless, to say I kept making excuses for his drinking because I loved him.

I married him when I was 24 and now three kids later (three boys ages 4, 3 and 11months old) I am finally coming to the conclusion that enough is enough. The last four years I have been raising babies alone while he sits on a bar stool at the bar down the street, he comes home drunk and hard to talk to.

He is always a sweet but sloppy drunk. Over the years I have lost respect for him. And just like that I woke up one morning and was no longer in love. I told him this and asked for him to move out and now he is making promises to cut back to quit. He is making an effort but ever so often he is drinking. He tells me he loves me and the boys and puts this guilt trip on me for wanting to end the marriage. He says I am taking away his future the love of his life, his kids etc.

I would pack my stuff and leave with the boys but the house is in my name before we got married and the mortgage is affordable especially since I have three in daycare and I know I can not depend on him financially. So I am not going to leave my house. He won't even move out for a trial separation. I am so tired and emotionally exhausted. But can't find the strength to file the divorce papers because like I said he has a nice heart and I know he loves us he just can't stop drinking.

I am now at the point that even if he quit drinking I don't know if I can regain the respect and love I use to have for him. I have so much resentment built up from over the years.

Do you have any advice for me? I am so sad and feel so trapped because I have never confided in friends or family of his problem. I have kept it a secret for years and everyone thinks we have this perfect family and when he is sober he is a good daddy but I can't trust that he will change and I don't know how to get the courage to do what needs to be done. I am honestly so emotionally ruined that I have thoughts of suicide which I know I can't or never would do because of my boys but I can't let go from a man that has destroyed my self worth and everything about me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

June 26, 2010 (from Wendell) - Sorry it took so long to respond Amy. Life has been hectic lately and I wanted to take some time to think about your situation.

The bad news is that as sweet and loving as your alcoholic may be he is still an alcoholic. He abandons you to regularly, leaving you to work, raise the children and maintain a household on your own. He pays lips service to quitting drinking, but somehow can’t quite manage to stay away.

Only he can solve his drinking problem. You can’t do it for him. If, in the 10 plus years you have known him, he hasn’t solved his problem, how likely is it that he will any time soon?

Now for some good news, you appear to be financially able to take care of yourself and raise your boys without financial contribution from your alcoholic. This is a huge plus. Many if not most women in an alcoholic marriage aren’t in that position. Often their short-term choices are grim; continue to live in their worsening alcoholic marriage or give up their home and live on public assistance.

And there is more good news; your alcoholic is not abusive. Again, many women are at risk of physical and emotional abuse when their alcoholic is drinking, or even when they are sober.

You appear to have a strong and safe foundation from which to build a life without your alcoholic.

So now your choice is simple: continue to live with his drinking, or kick him out. I know this sounds harsh. However, every time he drinks he causes you emotional pain, not to mention the negative effects an alcoholic father has on the emotional well being of his children. If as you say you have stopped loving him, it may be time to move on.

Before you do anything, I recommend building yourself a support system. Do you have any family that you trust to keep your secret and be supportive? If so, talk to them. I know it’s embarrassing. I’ve been there. But embarrassment passes – quicker than you might think. Tell them what has been going on. Tell them you are planning to separate (if that is your plan) and that you might need their help. Real friends will step up and provide whatever assistance they can. During times of trouble, family and friends can be much more supportive and caring than we expect.

Judging from you letter, you sound like you are used to taking care of things for yourself. It doesn’t sound like you rely much on others, instead taking care of your problems by yourself. This can be good to a point. Strength in the face of adversity is an important survival characteristic. However, we all need help at times. We need people to talk to. We need people that will accept us, even when we make mistakes. And given the age difference between you and your alcoholic, I suspect you have family members that tried to talk you out of it; who may be inclined to say “I told you so!” That’s okay. Let them think what they want. At the time you married him, it was right for you. No one can say what the future holds. What happens, happens. However, now that the future has arrived and is less than it could have been, it is time to accept it and move on.

If you don’t have any family or friends that you feel will be supportive, get involved in Al-Anon. Al-anon is an association of people in the same situation as you. They have alcoholics in their lives that they are dealing with. Like you, they are less than perfect people who have made their own mistakes. But, as a group, they are incredibly supportive and helpful. You might find that you need to try more than one group to find one that works for you, but keep trying. They helped me a lot when it came time for me to deal with my alcoholic marriage.

You say the house is in your name. Good. There is no reason you need to consider moving out. When you are ready and if he won’t leave, the next time he goes to the bar, change the locks, pack a suitcase for him and leave it on the porch, along with a note telling him it is over. It will be incredibly painful in the moment. But it will be a huge relief once the moment has passed and he is on his way out of your life. If you can, do this when the children are staying with friends or family. They don’t need to witness the drama that is likely to arise.

Later, when they ask where daddy is, tell them the truth, to the degree that they can understand it. He has a sickness that comes and goes and that he needs to be on his own to deal with it. Make sure they know that he still loves them as much as he can and that they will see him at times, when he is feeling well.

The transition from married to single can be very hard on everyone. However, he has made his choice. He continues to choose alcohol over you. If he wants to deal with his problem, there are programs and organizations to help. It is not your job to fix his problem. You have children to raise. He either needs to get with the program or move on.

I hope this helps. Ultimately, you have to decide what is right for you. Here are some questions that might help clarify your thinking.

If you want to share your answers to any of these questions, I’ll provide any additional insights that I may have. In any case, please feel free to write back with any questions or comments you may have.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

June 30, 2010 (from Amy) - Thank you for your response. I think I know what I need to do. It is so hard because he will change for a short time and makes me convinced that this time is for real and I so want to believe him for the sake of our marriage and to keep my family intact. Every time I try to take that step to leave he changes. I know deep down that it probably won't last but I just keep hanging on. I hope to get the courage one day to say that I don't want this roller coaster anymore and leave. Thank you for listening.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

July 3, 2010 (from Wendell) - The definition of courage is not about being fearless. Courage means doing what needs to be done, even though it is the scariest thing you can imagine. Anyone who is raising children in an alcoholic family has the opportunity to be courageous every day. I have no doubt that you will do the right thing for you and your children when you are ready.

Keep in mind that if he really wants to change, he can. However, he can do that living apart just as well as he can do it living with you and the children. Consider telling him that he must leave, but there is the opportunity of coming home if he stays sober for at least six months while living on his own. And then only after:

1. He convinces you that he is a different person. (Inviting you on a nice date after six months might be a good start.)

2. He goes to weekly AA meetings. (Make him show you his six month chip.)

3. He agrees that he gets kicked out again if he ever drinks or quits going to weekly AA meetings.

It is up to you to choose your future. What do you want your life to look like five years from now?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do you have any thoughts you want to share? If so, please submit them here. Also, please remember:

DISCLAIMER:
My-Alcoholic-Addict.com is an educational site only and should not be
understood as providing any type of diagnosis or health care recommendation.

All of the information included at My-Alcoholic-Addict.com is intended for
educational purposes only and may help increase your understanding of your
experiences with your alcoholic or drug abuser.

Copyright © 2009 by My-Alcoholic-Addict.com. All Rights Reserved.

SBI!