Alcoholic Addict Family Story from Kelly
He stopped drinking but continues to use drugs.
November 1, 2009 (Kelly's Story) – Thank-you for taking the time to put this website together it's very helpful. I'm 27 & my husband's 26 - we married nearlly two years ago (i came from London to the US where i have no-one to marry and start a life and i had no idea he was an addict). Last year the oxycodene and oxycontin using started. i feel like im enabling but i'm scared if i don't pay for his interlock or outpatient costs, fuel or food or lawyer bills for his DUI i'll set him back. Only problem is he's still using for the most part, he's in AA and has a sponser - but keeps going back out. he steals money from me for drugs, i put fuel in the car that he uses to get drugs. But he lies so much and has in the past that I don't know whether he's using or not - his eyes are usualy the best indication and the smudge markes. i'm not sure why i'm even writing i guess. i said the other day when he stole my debit card to take money to use that I wouldn't put up with it anymore - he laughed and said i would because i'm a codependent and thats exactly what i do and it's true as he then increases his meetings after the fact (thats what he says) once I told him to leave the house and i start talking again and giving him money for fuel/food etc while he's staying away as he has no food, no job and no one else from the family will help him apart from his grandma who bribes him with pills...i'm at a loss - i have no one to talk to and i haven't had much luck finding good meetings...i will keep trying. i really just want to cut ties but I don’t know how to do that as I feel he'll be on the streets or dead. thanks for letting me type, even that felt a little better.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------- November 1, 2009 (from Wendell) – Thanks for writing Kelly. I know about co-dependence. It was a big one for me too, as with many of us that stay with addicts and alcoholics. For me the hardest thing was to accept that my wife was using me. I was a convenient way to get money to party with. I went to a lot of Al-Anon, Narcanon and Co-DA meetings. Finally, after all the meetings, working with a counselor helped me realize that even little things contributed to her drug and alcohol abuse. Eventually I stopped giving her any money. If she wanted money she had to earn it herself. I bought the groceries and maintained the house but she had to maintain her own car, including gas. If she fell asleep on the floor after drugs or alcohol, I just left her there, without putting a blanket on her or helping get her into bed. I would no longer go pick her up drunk at a bar. In other words, I made her deal with her own stuff by herself. I could not control her, and I shouldn't. I let go and taking care of myself. Of course she tried all kinds of things to get me to go back to my previous enabling behavior: begging, guilt, threats, offers of sexual favors, you name it. Eventually she figured out that I wasn't going to be manipulated any more. A while after that she realized that her life was out of control and she started looking for help for herself. I have some questions you might want to think about. You don't have to tell me the answers, but you might find thinking about them helpful to decide what you want to do. - Do you really think he is going to improve given his behavior to date?
- Even if he does, is it really your responsibility to clean up his messes or give him money?
- Five years from now, do you still want to be dealing with your co-dependence and his manipulation and his abuse of the relationship?
- Are there no services for the unemployed, homeless and hungry in your area? If there are, would it hurt him or help him to have to rely on those services instead of you giving him money?
Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone you love is the hardest thing to do. I hope this helps and you find a path to peace in your life. Wendell WWW.My-Alcoholic-Addict.com --------------------------------------------------------------------------- November 4, 2009 (from Kelly) - Thanks for returning my email, i so appreciate it. today's been another 'Urgh" day as i now like to call them. The hardest thing about is he says he going to meetings and really wants this now - he can talk the talk - though speaking to him on the phone today he sounds kind of slow, high I think. I'm no longer sure so i find it hard to just get on with things and accept him being normal or really making an effort as he puts it. I don't accuse or nag i'm so beyond any of that. I understand it's a disease and he's suffering in his head. But i'm so confused. A friend of his family's (23) died Monday night from this disease and we came home from an AA meeting last night with new ‘i'm sick of my life and I just want to work a program and move forward' I say that's great, i hope you make the right choice... But my intuition (I have to use that now) says something's up today… I guess I'll know soon (I've temporarily asked him to say with a friend for the last few days after he took off with my credit card again last week)... though I know i'll have to let him come home soon. Sometimes I wish i could just leave myself. Anyway listen to me going on and on (apologies) and thanks for sharing about your wife. If you don't mind me asking is she still active in her recovery? and statistically something I was wondering, I know 1 in 10 people are alcoholic - does that include narcotics? Following are Kelly’s responses to questions I posed: Q. Do you really think he is going to improve given his behavior to date? A. i honestly don't know if I had to make the decision based on everything to date then I'd say no. Q. Even if he does, is it really your responsibility to clean up his messes or give him money? A. It feels that way though I know it's not - i want my life back. Q. Five years from now, do you still want to be dealing with your co-dependence and his manipulation and his abuse of the relationship? A. definitely not. i keep wondering which straw will it be... Q. Are there no services for the unemployed, homeless and hungry in your area? A. Yes there are. Q. If there are, would it hurt him or help him to have to rely on those services instead of you giving him money? A. it would take him a while to utilize it, i'm pretty sure he'd exhaust all avenues with me first - he always says 'if he has nothing what's the point in getting sober' i personally think 'how can you get high' i don't say that, just that you can't give me an ultimatum to staying clean as you have everything and you're still using so that doesn't make sense'. I'm definitely going to look into counseling and try to find some good al-anon meetings in the area. I really need a car, i started looking and would have the money but again it seems to go on other things. like 's car insurance, fuel, interlock...Hhhmmm i know this is in sanity trust me i know --------------------------------------------------------------------------- November 7, 2009 (from Wendell) – Sorry you are having more Urgh days. I can relate to the confusion. The challenge for me was figuring out that I had to ignore whatever my alcoholic said she was doing and instead observe her behavior. Behavior is a much better indicator of the truth with an alcoholic. If their words or your intuition says there is something off about them, most likely there is. My mantra became "Ignore the words, believe the behavior." It saved me a lot of disappointment and removed a lot of confusion. Her behavior was always the truth. As to wishing to leave, why not? If you believe things won't be any better in five years, why wait? Plan for it now. In the meantime, if they do make a real turn around, you haven't lost anything. If they don't you will be closer to getting your life back. For that matter, you might want to ask yourself why you feel "I'll have to let him come home soon."? As to your statistics question, the count of alcoholics includes both users and non-users of narcotics. As best I can tell from the statistics, most narcotics users also have alcohol problems and many alcoholics have drug issues. In general, people seldom seem to have just one substance abuse problem. Anything that will cover up their feelings about their lives seems okay in the moment. Good luck with finding local help. Always remember, you can't save those who won't save themselves. Wendell WWW.My-Alcoholic-Addict.com --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Your Comments Do you have any thoughts you want to share about this story? If so, please submit them here. Also, please remember: - Include the story title at the beginning of your comments.
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