Alcoholic Family Story
from Patricia

Help for child of alcoholic?

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October 29, 2009 (from Wendell) – Patricia, there is not much specific information on the Internet that focuses on an alcoholic with a child. However, I am working with an early childhood specialist to develop pages for my web site that addresses this area. In the meantime, can you provide some specific information, and I will provide what I can that seems pertinent.

• Are you the alcoholic with the child or is it someone else in your life (spouse, relative, etc.)?
• How old is the child?
• Does the child have a non-alcoholic parent or guardian in addition to the alcoholic?
• Does the alcoholic have ever have sole care of the child?
• How severe is the alcoholism? For example, is there any chance that the alcoholic would drink while in sole care of the child? In particular, would they drive drunk with the child in the car?

If you send me what information you are comfortable with, I will get you a specific response to your question.

May you live in peace.

Wendell

WWW.My-Alcoholic-Addict.com

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October 30, 2009 (from Patricia) - Thank you for your email. I also have trawled the 'net without success - except for news articles where something dreadful has happened to the child or children.

The child lives with her mother who, while not being 'labelled' an alcoholic, is the child of an alcoholic and exhibits all the signs, eg: life revolves around alcohol, unhappy and stressed without a drink and often the same with one, lack of moral conscience (please see below), unable to do anything that does not include alcohol, so saving to go to the cinema, Christmas and Birthday presents and even free trips to the park, library - even taking the child on a free holiday has now become impossible. She also has a drink driving offence and has gravitated to the company of other heavy drinkers with a history of alcohol fuelled violence.

As a family, we have helped her care for her daughter (and questioned ourselves whether this was enabling) but as soon as we challenged her behaviour after money went missing she has used her legal right to stop us seeing her daughter.

Many thanks and

Bless you for your help

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October 31, 2009 (from Wendell) - I'm sorry that one of your messages got bounced. However, I did get two of the direct messages as well as the one from my web site. Not sure why the first one went awry.

As to your situation, it is a difficult one. The laws generally side heavily with the child's parent. If they don't want you to see the child, there's not a lot you can do. Even if you are a relative, challenging custody would be difficult, complicated and painful for all involved. If that is an option you are considering, you definitely need the assistance of a legal professional that specializes in family law.

Children love their parents. Even in what appear to be horrible families, children will usually not tolerate anyone speaking badly about their parents, even if it reflects what they feel themselves. Often the best one can do is simply taking as many opportunities as present themselves to support the child, making sure they are fed, protected and feel cared for. Children are very resilient. Even a little positive influence goes a long way. In those circumstances, I do not believe it is inappropriate to care for an alcoholic’s child. In some ways you may be enabling the alcoholic, but that is the path they are on anyway. By assisting the child survive the alcoholic family situation you are, in my opinion, doing the best that can be done.

Something else for you to think about is whether or not the child is being abused or endangered, as defined by the laws where you live. If so, you may have a legal obligation to report any abuse that you may have observed. Again, I recommend getting professional, local advice in this area. As a relative you would have an opportunity to get custody if the Child Services finds that abuse does exist.

I'm suspect this may not help a lot. You are in a very difficult position and there are no easy answers. It may be that the best you can do is figure out a way to apologize to the alcoholic (yes, even if you don't believe you were wrong, including gifts to make amends - remember, the child is more important than one’s pride) and get back into her good graces or you may never again get to provide a safe haven for her daughter.

I wish you the best of luck.

Wendell

WWW.My-Alcoholic-Addict.com

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November 1, 2009 (from Patricia) – Hello again. Thank you for your thoughtful message. No, we do not intend to challenge custody but are applying for contact. Initially we wrote and suggested mediation but didn't even receive a reply. The poor little girl must be wondering where we all are and it's that that breaks my heart.

Her aunt has informed Child Services as the latest boyfriend has a conviction for violence. Now all we can do is wait and pray that she will be safe.

Thank you again.

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